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November 7, 2009

38

i am here. still.

by Andrea O'Connell

I have been away too long.  This blog is where my heart is, but coming here to write is a challenge lately.

I can’t write about the Casey Anthony case right now.  It is far too upsetting for me – there is too much horror in it and I feel as if I need to keep away from that sadness for a while; though it haunts me still – deeply.  I keep up with the Anthony case news though it is deeply troubling on many levels and I am desperately trying to focus on my own healing – emotional and physical – right now.

The Caylee Anthony case leaves me with anger and sadness, especially the latest revelations in yesterday’s discovery release…. The senselessness of it… the act of hurting a child – killing a child?   How…?  Where does that come from?  I cannot fully fathom it – the reality of it.  I desperately want justice for that dear little girl, dear little Caylee Anthony.  But what is justice really?  I do wish there was no reason for justice, don’t you?

My goodness, if there was ever an iota of doubt about Casey Anthony’s guilt in this, it has now been dispelled and the truth hangs in the air like the smell of death – how it lingers and tells such a monstrous tale!  How coffin flies weave a solid web of certainty on Suburban Drive – leaves me sick to my stomach.

But, I did not intend to write about Casey Anthony today, or about the case against her.  I just want to get out what’s in me today. So here it is.

So here I am.

I am trying to overcome and am working so hard to come out of a depression that some days has me wound up in a sadness that is like someone pushing thier leg out to trip me!  It sneaks in and sends me whirling and spinning and trying to catch up to the happiness I left behind a moment ago, or a month ago, or a year ago.

One of the most critical things I am working on is to get out of myself, get out of the shell that keeps me so deeply solitary and feeling alone and lonely.  Even though I have wonderful family and friends around me, I have a tendency to accept loneliness and embrace it, because that’s what depression does to me.  I get tightly wrapped in its cocoon – it tightens around me, beating down any fragment of joy or peace in me, when it comes.  Thankfully it does not come calling each and every day, it’s still too often there.

I know that I must get out of myself; get out of my head – I know this, I write about this, I feel this deeply, and yet still, I allow sadness to fill me.

This is what depression is – allowing an illusive sadness to fill you because the fight is too overwhelming.  Depression is an overwhelming sadness that grips me when I’m not expecting it to.  It is a lot to bear.  It seems powerful and so large, and there’s nowhere to go to run away from it.  It’s like that movie in the 1950’s or 60’s, “The Blob”.  If you remember that wild movie, the “blob”  just kept sweeping over everything, relentless and purposeful.  I think that describes my depression some days.   I don’t like this longing sadness, I don’t like it at all, and yet there are days when I feel powerless to run from it.

This bout with depression is due in great part to being cyber-stalked by very hateful people.   And though I have healed from that experience, the memory of it still haunts me.  I am extraordinarily trusting and gullible, pretty naïve and also too sensitive for my own good; caution is my mantra in principle, but not in practice.

In truth, I should be less trusting of people I meet online, but I want so badly to believe in the goodness of people, in the goodness that is core in every living person in the virtual world that I reach out to.

So…whoever you are, where ever you are…. I do want to believe in you, I do want to know that you are real, honest, and that you will care for my heart that is so easily broken.

If my heart breaks again, let it mend quickly, please.

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38 Comments Post a comment
  1. Hilde
    Nov 7 2009

    Welcome back Andrea! 🙂
    Thank You for sharing Your Feelings with us.
    I just want You to know You are not alone, there are many who are going through similar Experiences as You.
    As to be cyber stalked Andrea don’t give that Person/Persons that Power over You to the Point that You get emotional sick.
    Those People are not worth it.
    There are some descent People on these Blogs however it always pays to be cautious when You converse with People on the Internet. Some People on these Blogs like to belittle You or talk down to You or don’t take Your Opinion seriously like You really don’t matter, myself I have no need too have a Conversation with them and I stay away from Arguments, I don’t need them in my Life especially from People I don’t even know personally, I go somewhere where I can discuss a Topic dear to me in a respectful and Adult Manner without being insulted, but that is just how I feel.
    Anyway I am glad You are back and I wish for You to get better with each Day maybe positive People around You who do understand what You are going through will help.
    JMO 😉

    Reply
    • Andrea
      Nov 7 2009

      Hilde,
      You are a dear heart and I thank you so much for your comments…. and it is just lovely to see you again, too! You are right about giving up my personal power, and I get so mad at myself for it, but I know that so much of it a result of being sucked into the dark hole of depression.

      I never thought I would ever, ever talk so openly about this topic…but, it does help to get it out and look at it and hear what others have to say. the perspective that is gained from this, I believe, will make it a learning experience, as well as a healing experience.

      And, yes… I am learning to embrace ONLY positive people in my life…

      All the best! I am so happy to see you! 🙂

      Big hugs!
      Andrea

      Reply
  2. Boston
    Nov 7 2009

    Andrea-Get out each morning and take a good walk. That is something that is refreshing, healthy and hopeful. It’s something you can do on your own and you never know the unexpected benefits of meeting that neighbor with the yappy dog. You will in time start waving to the regulars you meet. Smile at them whether you want to or not.

    Get the book, BEING PEACE and read a paragrah when you wake up in the morning or before you go to bed each night. Even one sentence is fine. think about it for a while and smile. Practice this smile at the Deli counter. Smiling will push those sad moments away. It’s the same feeling you will get after walking a mile!! If you don’t really feel like smiling just do it and have fun with it. You will be surprised at how amusing it can be.

    Try a class in yoga once a week or go to the GYM and walk on a godforsaken tread mill. I hate to do it but when I finish I feel less guilty for not walking out in the crisp New England air. The yoga I like but I am bad about going weekly.

    Do not let assholes mess with you. You are the only one who can say, Enough Is Enough. You owe it to your mental health to use that delete button. Out of sight out of mind.

    Wake up each morning and while you are brushing your teeth think about one thing you are grateful for. This will help you to trump the next ANT-Another Negative Thought.
    Start on Sunday using the alphebet: A: Apples; Monday-Balloons in the sky; Tuesday C: Church, etc.

    Girlfriend I have a lot of faith in you and I know you can heal yourself with perserverance and true grit. Your friends are an arms length away many times-your friends on the Internet or here at Word Press cannot help you in your times of need.

    You can always say this little prayer when you are down:
    Lord please come to me in my time of need. You do not even have to be a believer or religious or even spiritual. Just reach out, say it and listen.

    Reply
    • Andrea
      Nov 8 2009

      Boston:
      Thank you, thank you, thank you for your wonderful words of inspiration. I am going to print what you’ve said here, carry it around with me in the pocket of my purse and try try try to squash the ANTs…!

      And I will reach out, I will remind myself to ask for guidance – put it out in the universe and to God, and I will learn to listen. I do take comfort in knowing that no matter how bad it gets, it could always be worse.

      Thank you so much for finding me here this evening. You have brightened my spirits, Boston!

      Big hugs
      Andrea

      Reply
  3. Nov 7 2009

    Hi Andrea, welcome back. I see you already have two nice ladies here giving you some great support and advice. I think most of us or all of us have these what i call blue times that we feel depressed and just plain out overwhelmed. I know i do at times. Like you i too just don’t care much about discussing the Anthony case anymore . Casey is going to get what she deserves to the fullest and Caylee is in a much better place now. No one will ever be able to harm her again and she is happy and loved in Heaven.
    It is sunshiney here today and 75 degrees. nice but not normal for my area to be this warm in November. I love it cold this time of year and i would even like somett snow. My hubby thinks i am nuts as i told him tomorrow i am dragging out my christmas tree and putting it up. The weeks are flying by so quickly i say why not? After the new docs and what i think happened to Caylee now i think it would be a good deterent for me about now. get my interest in something fun. oh, if some blogger is nasty to you again, delete that loser and do it with a big smile as they are mere trolls. keep up your blog and i will be back soon to chat. take care of yourself.

    Reply
    • Andrea
      Nov 8 2009

      Hi Knight Owl!

      It is so nice to see you and I am so grateful for your visit….Good for you for dragging that tree out! Is surely does do wonders for the spirit, I agree with you! 🙂

      You know, you are right… we all do wear our blues of a day, don’t we?! The trick is to accept it but not let it defeat you…. that is the hard part for me in this, some days.

      But, I tell you what, reading your post, and Hilde’s and Boston’s has cheered me right up enough to realize how much I have missed coming here….

      Sending Big Warm Hugs to ya!

      Andrea

      Reply
  4. Nov 7 2009

    Hi ya Boston and Hilde.

    Reply
  5. Hilde
    Nov 7 2009

    hi there Boston and knight Owl, always good to see ya! 🙂
    We also had a beautiful Day today here in Indiana but here You can expect just about anything concerning the Weather.
    I too love cooler temperatures, love the fresh and crisp Air.
    It won’t be long knight Owl and we will get snow, just be patient ok, lol.

    Reply
    • Andrea
      Nov 8 2009

      Hilde! Oh how I remember those Indiana winters, too. this florida girl spent three years at Purdue and those winters were something else!

      I do love the fresh snow… I love how it crunches when you walk in it. I love how it feels to fall into it, and roll in it and make angels, and of course I especially love sliding down a hill into a big mound of it… I love the whiteness – when it’s new, white and crunchy-crisp and clean. So much fun. 🙂

      Andrea

      Reply
  6. Hilde
    Nov 7 2009

    what happened to my Avatar, I guess I better sign in, hm
    that should do it 😳

    Reply
  7. Boston
    Nov 7 2009

    Hi Hilde and Knight Owl-When the weather gets colder here and all the leaves are gone I always know that the Winter is coming with the “shorter days” with less light. I have to work hard at getting my fat ass out there and walk the blues away. I like putting on a kooky wool cap and a warm scarf and walking with my Crazy Daisy-a mut I rescued. I know that’s what I did but when I look at her I know she rescued me. I love to read and go over to Snoops but I also know that exercise is good and so is a nice big piece of chocolate cake!!

    Reply
    • Andrea
      Nov 10 2009

      I just love to read this! It paints such a fun picture, Boston! Oh, I love that wonderful kooky wool cap, too!

      Isn’t it so true? You hit the nail on the proverbial head! Our animals do rescue us!!!!! so true, so true.

      I have no icecream in the freezer tonight, no choclate cake, either. But, that’s okay…. my gift to my self tonight will be sleep – I actually feel like I will sleep tonight… crossing my toes and fingers…!!!

      Reply
  8. Hilde
    Nov 7 2009

    lol Boston

    Reply
  9. Hilde
    Nov 7 2009

    ok, so I forgot to sign in again, no Avatar for me , again.
    Oh well, I am going to watch a Movie now and relax.

    Good night Every One!

    Andrea, nothing stays the same, remember that.
    The Bad times will pass too and there are better Days ahead,
    I for one always look forward to the Better Days, definitely wouldn’t want to miss the good Days! 🙂

    Reply
  10. Nov 8 2009

    Hi Hilde, i live in Arkansas and the leaves are almost all off my trees now. I will take your advice and be patient for my snow to come. one year we had snow here on Christmas Day. kids were sledding everywhere on the banks behind my house and having a grand time. It was a lot of fun.

    Reply
  11. Nov 8 2009

    Hi Boston, I will just skip the exercise and go for that nice piece of chocolate cake. gee, you have made me hungry now. ha ha~~ Animals rule and God love you for resqueing this doggie that has now resqued you back. what a great story. that had to cheer up Andrea.

    Reply
    • Andrea
      Nov 8 2009

      Oh my yes, it did cheer me. It has cheered me. You three have cheered me… I thank you so much for knowing and understanding….

      Hugs!

      Andrea

      Reply
  12. Nov 8 2009

    goodnite to all of you. my typing is just horrible tonite. I think my handsome kitty Louie could type better than i can. lol~~

    Reply
    • Andrea
      Nov 8 2009

      LOL!!!! I did not notice your typos, but my mouth is watering at another mention of that chocolate cake!!! (I have ice cream at the ready now…whip cream, too)

      good nite and sweet dreams!!!!

      Reply
  13. Boston
    Nov 8 2009

    Good Sunday Morning to you all!
    Actually girls after our conversation last evening I went upstairs and made a nice, moderately flavorful carrot cake. My suggestion on the Pillsbury recipe-throw in additional raisins and with a little more abandon more crushed pinapple. For fluffier white cake (Duncan Hines) throw in in place of the water a can of coconut milk. What a treat.

    Then get on that godforsaken treadmill or pat handsome Louie.

    This morning in Boston is unseasonable warm and toasty out -and you can see where I am. I’m off now to take my own advice. I will walk to Mass and place on a special card each of your names.

    And on my way home I am going to go into my favorite store and buy some nice Philly Cream Cheese for my frosting!!!

    Reply
  14. Andrea
    Nov 8 2009

    ohhhhh Boston! That does sound soooo yummy! What a lovely sunday you will have.

    You have touched my heart with the Mass card and I thank you from the bottom of my heart that feels a bit better today.

    I so love carrot cake… and your suggestion of extra raisins and how you throw caution to the wind (LOL!!!!) with that extra bit of crushed pineapple has my mouth virtually watering and watering!!!

    Big hugs to you!

    Andrea

    Reply
  15. Hilde
    Nov 8 2009

    Good Morning every one!
    It is a beautiful Day here in Indiana, Sunshine and nice and warm, can’t believe it is November. I just got back walking my Dog, Cosmo, he just loves it and really I needed to walk myself, it does make You feel good to look at everything and smell the fresh Air. Sunday’s are always pretty peaceful and quiet around our neighborhood, I guess every one is sleeping in or at Church, where I should have been 😳
    Andrea I hope today is a good Day for You.
    I have been in a Situation where all I wanted to do sit there, maybe in front of the tv but really not watching it. I felt I was stuck in a hole and couldn’t get out. I had to start forcing myself to do things, simple things, like going for a short walk, I didn’t want to talk to anyone and just kept to myself. I knew
    I had to do something to get myself out of the Rut I was in.
    It took time and eventually I was able to look at things I was thankful for, like my Family and especially my Children. When You are depressed You seem not to see all the beautiful things in Your Life, all You concentrate is the Bad or what is not right in Your Life.
    But in my Case at least it did get better. I also took Medicine, Paxil to help me get over the hard times. I can say I am ok now and I am thankful for everything I do have in my Life and the People who love me. The People who gave me Grief aren’t important, I figured they are the ones who have the Problem.
    Sometimes Events in Your Life will throw You into Depression, in my Case there were a lot of Events which contributed to the hopeless Feeling I felt.
    I had to deal with my Depression my own Way and see what works the Best for me. I do know talking about it
    does help, it shows You how many People are going through the same thing.
    Well that’s enough, I don’t like to preach :), just wanted to let You know it’s ok to feel down sometime as long as You get Yourself back up and enjoy Life for what it is.
    (((Andrea)))

    Reply
  16. Boston
    Nov 8 2009

    Andrea-Your writers’ voice sounds so wonderful today. Hilde and others are so thoughtful and honest. Life can throw us lemons and we can decide to make lemonade. I always thought that was a silly thing but when I understood it to mean “attitude” I kinda bought into it.

    I don’t really mean to be funny but you know what? I love to squeeze a lemon virtually on anything I am baking or roasting because it’s so refreshing and the smell makes me feel like a kid. I really don’t know why-I like lemon body lotion and lemon candels and yellow sweaters. I like a nice yellow bedspread in the springtime. I worked so long and I often feel I lost so many years without these kinds of ideas or feelings.

    It’s the little things that will fill those sad times with BLISS-someone to make a pie for-make one for yourself and a good pot of tea. Buy the Betty Crocker already made piecrust-it’s super great. Then of course it’s up the street and down again! Or that godforsaken you know what.

    I found out that after so many years throwing dinner together that I could actually read a recipe, found out where Ginger was in the supermarket and it has only been in the past couple of months that I ever knew what coconut milk was.

    I am baking chicken with coconut milk, ginger, prunes and I just threw a bag of spinach on top (after two hours baking at 350F)

    I’m working my self up to inviting a couple of friends over. They all like wine and they all LOVE to sing so maybe the food can be a “sideshow” on its own.

    Reply
    • Andrea
      Nov 8 2009

      Boston, oh thank you for saying that…. I feel better today and the lump that’s been in my throat today is a result of tears, but happier ones, for the most part, as I have been chatting with a dear friend who tells me that I am loved. Knowing that you mean the world to someone does so much to lift me – to lift me up.

      Depression’s sister is low-self esteem, and we’ve been sisters for a while now. Being lifted up by loving friends and by your, Hilde’s and Knight Owl’s words have done so much for me…so much.

      I love how you describe your day and your cooking! And boy, i also love lemon, too! Isn’t that funny, I have had coconut milk in my fridge for ages and ages and always in the back of my mind is the thought: “well, one of these days I’ll figure out why I bought that coconut milk and will figure out how to use it.” And now I know!

      I will think of you as i enjoy my chicken simmering in coconut milk! heck, I’ll go all the way and add the wine, too!!!

      These past few months have been extremely hard for me, so much so that i have wanted to give up and go away, and hide even from my own thoughts.

      And there have been too many days like that, it is a struggle and depression is like a vicous circle. Sleep escapes me, yet rest and good sleep and a good diet and exercise are healing.. I know this in my head, but following through is another thing all together.

      Like Hilde said… taking small steps will help. I took a healing step yesterday when I wrote how I was feeling, because depression can be embarrassing – we are supposed to be so perfect, aren’t we?

      But, it was good to get it out there… to tilt my head and look at it from another angle does, I realize now, help so very much.

      Enjoy your friends tonight!!! Enjoy your lovely cool weather!

      Enjoy Enjoy Enjoy and hugs hugs hugs!!!

      Andrea

      Reply
  17. Nov 9 2009

    Hi Andrea, so sorry i am very late in popping in but had company all day and they stayed for dinner. I am trying now to get rid of a bad sinus headache that has been brewing all day. You sound much better today and that just makes my nite. Boston is killing me with that yummy carrot cake talk. Now i want one and it is almost eleven p.m. so ain’t gonna happen. LOL. Talking about baby steps that made me think of the movie ”What about Bob” with Bill Murray. If you have never seen it rent it, it is a riot. Bob drives his first psychiatrist so nuts he quits his practice and shoves Bob on his pyshciatrist friend. Bob has phobia’s to everything and the new psychiatrist gives him a book he just wrote called ”Baby Steps”. I bought the movie and when i get down and out i pull it out and watch it.

    Sunshine went flying out of here today and it has been cloudy all day. I imagine we will have rain by middle of next week. I love to hear it raining and especially when i lay down to sleep. My handsome kitty Louie is all tucked in for the nite in the garage. It is heated and cooled and has three levels and he has all his toys and tall cat stand to look out the large window. He was thrown away by some mean jerk at five months and he found us and my hubby and i just could not love him more. He is almost three years old now. Poor little guy is afraid of everyone but me and my hubby. He will come inside some during the day and ever once in awhile at nite to sleep on his little bed but mainly he likes to sleep in the garage. He will never be one to want to live in inside at all times. He alway goes to the door and wants to go out and play. His life could get cut short being outside but he is so happy playing in the leaves and chasing anything that moves, i just would not have the heart to make him live inside all the time. I Let him come and go as he likes. Speaking of animals i love your doggie avatar. Is that your dog and what is her/his name. It is just adorable. Well have a good nite friend and i will see ya tomorrow. hugs~~~~~~~`

    Reply
    • Andrea
      Nov 9 2009

      Hi Knight Owl!

      Well, it’s morning for me and I am feeling a little blue today….couldn’t sleep last night – again, and did not want to get out of bed.

      I am desperately trying to go to bed early as I know it will relieve a lot of my stress and anxiety, and last night I did just that, but couldn’t fall asleep until very late. It is a terrible cycle when sleep is what you need to heal.

      I am going to try it again to night, and will take a long walk to see if that tires me out…..

      Any way, it was so nice to hear about your day….and Louie, that Handsome Kitty of yours! I do hope your sinus headache has gotten better over night – hate those, I get them to, especially when the weather changes suddenly.

      Yes, that Handsome dog in my avatar is my boy “Jazz”. He’s my beloved Chi, though he’s big for a Chi at 10 lbs., he’s a dream of a dog and helps me cope on the really bad days…. All I have to do is look at him and he goes wild with happiness! And, if I say one his many favorite words, like “cookie” or “ball-y”, well he’s all about happiness and litterally running in circles… He actually runs in circles with happiness!

      He is a major toy-aholic and likes to keep all his toys and his bones in one place, including bringing most of them to bed with me at night! I cannot tell you how many times I have woken up in the middle of the night with a dog bone denting my back! It’s hilarious!

      I also have a cat, Beau (call him my “Beau-friend”), and he and Jazz are riots together. But, I also just lost a cat a couple of months ago – Lilly was with me for a number of years until she finally got to old to have any quality of life left in her.

      Anyway, so lovely to read your post!!!!! And, omg, I doooo love to hear about Boston’s cooking marathons, too!

      Ahhh…..here comes Jazz with a toy….! and there he goes again….

      Life goes on.

      Sending big HUGS!!!!!

      Andrea

      Reply
  18. Nov 9 2009

    Hi Hilde, Boston and everyone,. Boston your killing me here with that carrot cake. lol. someone needs to invent a way for us to send food like we do messages. Open up the computer and find a big slice of carrot cake. would work for me although i would weigh about 300lbs. ha ha. Oh, i have to now try coconut milk in the cake mix and chicken dish. sound so delicious. I gotta go to bed before i start eating the house down. goodnite all.

    Reply
  19. Boston
    Nov 9 2009

    Good Monday Morning to you all-
    So enjoy reading the posts. Dear Louie. Well, if he wants to be out in the garage I suppose that’s where he should be. Dr Christian Northrup says that just looking a your cat all rolled up in a warm blanket or your dog wagging his tail can lower the BP and make a person feel good. I’m glad Louie is with you. My cats go out in the yard and have fun but they always come in at night. They sit on the chairs in the living room and are almost part of the decor!!

    Andrea I am glad you are feeling better. Like Knight says, “Little Steps” is all you have to take. Put the timer on for 15 minutes and begin to clean the kitchen. Just stick to the sink. Just clean out the sink and if the timer goes off just walk away and take a walk up the block. When you come back you decide to finish the clean up or put on the radio or TV. Veg out but know that you made progress.

    About my coconut chicken. It was really good but I would say a tad fattening. The plums made a nice addition to the recipe. I couldn’t taste the ginger. I would not in the future throw the spinach on top because it came out a little sweet. I cured that with a good squeeze of my favorite elixor!! (Roast in a covered pan for about 2 hours at 350F) Very tender chicken pieces-next time I would use all chicken breasts as the sause is rich.

    Andrea-put that coconut milk in a white cake-check the expiration date. Go to Paula Deen’s site and read her recipe. I think she refers to it as her son’s favorite cake. Coconut cake. At any rate…I did not have the time to do one from scratch so I just used the duncan hines cake. Use egg whites and you will have a fluffy cake. Make it once or twice but cool it after that-it’s kinda addicting. I’m going to make them for Christmas gifts this year.

    Too bad we could’nt send one through the internet!!!

    Reply
  20. Boston
    Nov 9 2009

    Andrea-Just read your post above. Sleep-you need the rest to recover. Have a good cup of coffee and look around. Decide to do one thing this morning.

    Today I am off to LLBean and my walk. I have to push my self and I am hoping to get to church this afternoon. My lunch menu today will be Schrod. No one is home on Monday evenings so I will make my gormet delight (ya, right) at noon.
    You take care!!

    Reply
  21. Andrea
    Nov 9 2009

    Boston!

    Good Monday Morning to you too! My goodness, we must have been writing at the same time this morning!

    You, Hilde and Knight Owl are so right – baby steps are what I need. And, I thought that one “baby step” that would be such a great start would be to go to bed earlier, since exhaustion is feeding my hungry depression. Well, I’ve tried for the last 3 nights to get more sleep, but it is not working. So, I have determined that that is not a baby step for me, that is a more difficult task. And, the more I stress about not sleeping, the worse it is.

    LOL!!!! I just checked the expiration date on my coconut milk and it says September 2007!!! It’s “Coco Cool” brand!!! Love that name…!

    I will buy more “Coco Cool” now and make that cake that you describe… Making a cake sounds like a really nice thing to do today… the smell as its cooking, and the taste of the batter before it goes in the oven is something to look forward to…

    So, have a great day. I am going to take it one little step at a time….that is the only way, especially today.

    Have a great Monday!

    Big hugs!

    Andrea

    Reply
  22. Boston
    Nov 9 2009

    Good for you Andrea-One last thing I thought to say before my walk would be this: Try taking two omega three jell taps after each meal. Vitamin D is important as well. Get one of those lights-and put it on the kitchen table or near your computer -do this for about 45 minutes each morning.

    Drink a lot of water-you do not have to drink 8 glasses a day but if you drink from a 6 oz cup that would be fine 3-4 times a day or during your meals. If you think that Aleve PM would be helpful than take it a couple of hours before you go to sleep. If you can’t sleep than just get up and enjoy the quiet house and don’t fret about it. If you do not have to get up for work than blow it off as eventually you will sleep even if it’s late in the morning.-put on the TV or read. I just finished Mommy’s Little Girl and I begged myself to stay awake!! Nothing new just a good rendering of what went on.

    Have a great day and be good to yourself. Today is trash day and in a couple of hours I will have to have all my leaves out on the curb. My elderly neighbor needs help with hers so I will go out and help her. Last week I did her front yard-every day I walked by there I felt good about how nice it looked. Doing a good deed pays enormous dividends.

    Don’t forget the omega three and the D vit. Look up the benefits of B12 but don’t believe everything you read. Take a cautious look at things and only do what you feel comfortable with. I am hoping that my cholesterol is reduced if nothing else. I wish I did some of these things a lot sooner.

    Reply
  23. Andrea
    Nov 9 2009

    Hi Boston!

    It’s funny that you mention B-12, mine was recently tested and found to be low. I took a B-12 shot, and am now taking a supplement to keep it in check.

    I forgot about vitamin D, and the Omega’s… I just started taking a pretty robust all-purpose vitamin that a nutritionist told me would be good for me, but we did not discuss the Omega’s in detail… I will look into that, too. 🙂 thanks for the reminder!

    And, drinking water….yes, that I must remember to do, too.

    I wasn’t sure what you meant by the light on my kitchen table, though.

    I know people who swear by Red Yeast Rice to help cholesterol, maybe it’s something for you to consider, if needed? Though it does sound like you’re doing so many things right!

    I agree so much that lending a helping hand to someone, or doing a single act of kindness is soooo good; a dear friend reminded me of that, too – it helps, truly does.

    Enjoy that fresh New England air as you rake your leaves! I was born in NE, but my folks moved us to Florida many years ago…..I know how devine NE is right about now! Your trees must be so lovely (even when all the leaves fall off) I love those leaves, even when they fall!

    Enjoy!

    Reply
  24. Boston
    Nov 9 2009

    Andrea-The” lite” as it is spelled is for those who have SAD and loads of people in colder climes have this disorder when the days “get shorter” and darkness sets in earlier in the day. I haven’t used one but I heard they were okay-they are like ultra violet light or the light of sunshine or daylight. I will get the right name and pass it onto you.

    The leaves that fell on my patio are still a mess but I got together 6 barrels and that’s all I am going to do -they haven’t come down the street yet but they should be here sometime tonight.

    Everyone is out and about in my house and gawd am I glad. I have to pull myself together so that I can sit and enjoy JVM at 7PM. I so love jeopardy but often times forget it-I actually think it is off the air. That’s a fun show to watch. Once I made a “couple thou” while watching!! (a rerun)

    But we all know that support is better than money in the bank. (Well, most of the time!)

    Reply
    • Andrea
      Nov 10 2009

      Hello Boston!

      It sounds like you had a productive day – 6 barrels?! Wow! Good for you!

      I had a quiet day – my only excitement was to pick up my new glasses… I have a whole new way of seeing, quite literally… my eyes, for the first time in my life, got better! And my new specs are so light and breezy looking – they are semi-frameless and I feel as if I’m not even wearing glasses.

      And now I know what “lite” you are referring to…. LOL!!! It will be great to have info about it, when you have a chance.

      Gosh, I missed JVM tonight, and all tv tonight. I think that I have turned the TV on about three whole times in the last three months. Now that I think about it, maybe I should turn the TV on… maybe it would be helpful to watch fun shows like Jeopardy – heck, it’s fun to win even fake money!!!

      Oh my goodness, though, you are so right… all the money in the world does nothing if you have no love, or support, or encouragement and a desire to change….

      Tommorow I will be at work all day; it’s a huge challenge to go to work happy….

      Love to Hilde and Knight Owl, to Grandma + 4, and to anyone who happens along and visits us here.

      Big hugs………

      Andrea

      Reply
  25. Nov 9 2009

    Andrea, i only had time to read about half of the posts, i just wanted to tell my story with depression. i have suffered with it for years. sometimes, i think what happens in your life affects your mind set and while i am no different than anyone else, there have been major things to deal with for me. i have been taking an anti-depressant for a long time, was not working so my dr. gave me a new one. depression for me is caused by a chemical imbalance in my brain and i could think positive etc.(which is all good and so desperately needed) but for me, i need medication to make the chemical, seratoin etc. more balanced. you might want to talk to your dr. about this, it makes my life easier and i have had very dark days, it is like a black hole you feel you are falling into and can’t get out of. please know, i am there for you and understand what you are feeling. i am a Christian and have felt guilt for this but the Lord has walked with through all of it with me.! God Bless you!!!!! i will pray for you and am with you in spirit. love and prayers, grandma+4

    Reply
    • Andrea
      Nov 9 2009

      Grandma+4,

      Thank you for sharing your experience here in such a loving and honest way… I am sorry for your troubles, too, but relieved to know that you’re on the road to a happier balance. And, YES!!! You are absolutely right, there is a chemical imbalance that does not allow those of us that suffer with depression to handle life in the same way as those without such imbalances.

      My doctor is adjusting my medication to find the right balance, but we aren’t quite there yet, or so it seems, as the blues still envelope me with a vengence.

      I know what you’re saying about falling into a dark hole, or wanting to… I feel that way too and I leave my head stuck firmly in the sand and wrap myself up so tightly so as not to notice that the world is actually turning as I stay motionless and in pain.

      I get a little frightened, too, and very embarrassed. This is my third bout with depression, it’s come back worse this time. But, I am wiser now, too and I know I need to reach out and accept the help that is being offered to me. As difficult as it is to accept that kind of help, it is more difficult to do nothing – this is what I am realizing, anyway….

      Again, thank you for writing and sharing with us here. There are a lovely group of women who come and visit. Like you, I think we all feel there is solace in sharing and talking to others who understand, who have been there and have been able to come back healthier….

      Sending you such thanks and big hugs! It would be lovely to hear from you again. 🙂

      Andrea

      Reply
  26. Andrea
    Nov 10 2009

    Good Tuesday Morning….

    I hope everyone has a lovely and peaceful day… I am hoping for the same. I find that if I hold my lips in a grin – just hold a grin there, purposely, and open my eyes wider, it does allow for more light to come in and over me….

    hugs…
    andrea

    Reply
  27. Andrea
    Nov 10 2009

    going moment to moment….damn tears…

    Reply

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