i am here. still.
I have been away too long. This blog is where my heart is, but coming here to write is a challenge lately.
I can’t write about the Casey Anthony case right now. It is far too upsetting for me – there is too much horror in it and I feel as if I need to keep away from that sadness for a while; though it haunts me still – deeply. I keep up with the Anthony case news though it is deeply troubling on many levels and I am desperately trying to focus on my own healing – emotional and physical – right now.
The Caylee Anthony case leaves me with anger and sadness, especially the latest revelations in yesterday’s discovery release…. The senselessness of it… the act of hurting a child – killing a child? How…? Where does that come from? I cannot fully fathom it – the reality of it. I desperately want justice for that dear little girl, dear little Caylee Anthony. But what is justice really? I do wish there was no reason for justice, don’t you?
My goodness, if there was ever an iota of doubt about Casey Anthony’s guilt in this, it has now been dispelled and the truth hangs in the air like the smell of death – how it lingers and tells such a monstrous tale! How coffin flies weave a solid web of certainty on Suburban Drive – leaves me sick to my stomach.
But, I did not intend to write about Casey Anthony today, or about the case against her. I just want to get out what’s in me today. So here it is.
So here I am.
I am trying to overcome and am working so hard to come out of a depression that some days has me wound up in a sadness that is like someone pushing thier leg out to trip me! It sneaks in and sends me whirling and spinning and trying to catch up to the happiness I left behind a moment ago, or a month ago, or a year ago.
One of the most critical things I am working on is to get out of myself, get out of the shell that keeps me so deeply solitary and feeling alone and lonely. Even though I have wonderful family and friends around me, I have a tendency to accept loneliness and embrace it, because that’s what depression does to me. I get tightly wrapped in its cocoon – it tightens around me, beating down any fragment of joy or peace in me, when it comes. Thankfully it does not come calling each and every day, it’s still too often there.
I know that I must get out of myself; get out of my head – I know this, I write about this, I feel this deeply, and yet still, I allow sadness to fill me.
This is what depression is – allowing an illusive sadness to fill you because the fight is too overwhelming. Depression is an overwhelming sadness that grips me when I’m not expecting it to. It is a lot to bear. It seems powerful and so large, and there’s nowhere to go to run away from it. It’s like that movie in the 1950’s or 60’s, “The Blob”. If you remember that wild movie, the “blob” just kept sweeping over everything, relentless and purposeful. I think that describes my depression some days. I don’t like this longing sadness, I don’t like it at all, and yet there are days when I feel powerless to run from it.
This bout with depression is due in great part to being cyber-stalked by very hateful people. And though I have healed from that experience, the memory of it still haunts me. I am extraordinarily trusting and gullible, pretty naïve and also too sensitive for my own good; caution is my mantra in principle, but not in practice.
In truth, I should be less trusting of people I meet online, but I want so badly to believe in the goodness of people, in the goodness that is core in every living person in the virtual world that I reach out to.
So…whoever you are, where ever you are…. I do want to believe in you, I do want to know that you are real, honest, and that you will care for my heart that is so easily broken.
If my heart breaks again, let it mend quickly, please.