Jose Baez to clear it all up in one minute!
What a blessing this is! Today, Jose Baez told the In Session show that when he’s only one minute into his opening statement in the Casey Anthony trial, he will put to rest any suspicion we have regarding her silence during the 31 days Caylee was missing!
I’m so glad he will explain everything! Aren’t you glad, too? Wow!
Here we have been wondering lo these last three years why Casey hid for 31 days while her child was “missing” and now Mr. Baez will explain it all to us in just one minute! This is about the best news I’ve ever heard!
There’s just a little problem with this – opening/closing statements are not considered “evidence.” But, hey, surely Mr. Beaz will clarify everything for us in that one minute!
I’ll let you in on a little secret, too. The very first day that Mr. Baez and Casey Anthony met, he knew she was innocent, and he knew he could convince a jury of it, too.
Here’s a transcript (below) of the first time that Mr. Baez and Casey met. Trust me, after reading their conversation, you’ll know the score. That’s right! You’ll know what will be revealed in that one minute!
JB: Hello Casey. I got word from one of my homies here that you are looking for a badass lawyer? I’m your guy.
CA: Yeah? Okay. Get me outta here. This place smells so bad, and the food, O. M. G. is rotten. Oh, man I need some real food.
JB: (using a blue pen and taking notes on the palm of his hand) Hm. What’s your favorite food?
CA: (thinking) I guess pizza.
JB: Cool. Hmmm. OK. As soon as I get you outta here cutie pie, we’re going to the best damn pizza parlor ever!
CA: Cool! Okay, let’s go now.
JB: (expletive) I don’t got keys to your chains.
CA: (expletive) I need these damn chains off me.
JB: Well, hey, I’ll yank your chains….
CA: Yeah? Wow. You move fast.
JB: Yeah baby. (Taking notes on the top of his hand now) Before we can get you out cutie pie, we need to get you to a judge to be arranged.
CA: Arranged? Arrange me the hell outta here!
JB: Yeah. That’s why it’s called an arrangement, see. A judge sees arrested people then he arranges for them to go free.
JB: Were you arrested?
JB: (louder) Were you arrested?
CA: I’m in jail right?
JB: Well, that doesn’t mean you’re arrested. But I’ll check to be sure you’re a criminal. I get criminals out.
CA: I need out.
JB: Wait a second. Hm. You have chains on. Criminals are the only ones who wear chains, I think, so that means you’re probably a criminally arrested person. Hm. I mean, that would explain the chains they have on you. Hm. See, you’re probably arrested since you got those chains on. (sighs) Wish I could get the key for those chains. Let me think now. Hmmmm. So, here’s how it goes down: The judge sees you at your arrangement – if you are a criminal and I think because you have chains, so you’re a criminal. Hm. Well now, hmmm. you could have been wearing them for a long time if you didn’t have the key. You had those things on you for a long time, then?
CA: Too long.
JB: Okay! Wow! I’m good! Okay. Uh. At your arrangement a judge will also arrange for the key to open those nasty chains. And then what happens is. Hm. Let me think now, how does it go? Hm. Let me start at the beginning. Okay. A criminal, see, gets arrested, see, and the Judge, see, arranges their booty.
JB: Yeah. Oh, well, technically the bailer pays the booty.
JB: Okay. We gotta talk money now. You have any?
CA: (expletive) No.
JB: That’s okay; we’ll haul in some cash. (Writing on inner arm now, then says to himself “Get Cash”).
JB: So how did a gorgeous chick like you, get here?
CA: I lost my daughter for 31 days
JB: Lost her, huh?
CA: Yeah. It sucks.
JB: I bet. How old?
JB: The kid’s 22?
CA: No. She’s two
JB: Terrible. It’s easy to lose them at that age. They run like hell the minute they learn to walk. She must be still on the run, huh?
JB: Now wait just a second here. Hold on. Now just hold on here! How would anyone expect you to run after your daughter if you’re in chains? That makes just no sense! Okay. All the more reason we gotta get those chains off your cute little footsies. I’m sure glad you told me this. So, of course you’re innocent! (Writes on arm, says to self: “Hire Gil Cabot to market the innocent angle“)
JB: Okay. So that’s what happened? She ran and now she’s lost?
CA: Yeah, she runs fast. Thanks for understanding.
JB: No prob. (Writing on his the hairy part of arm now). I’m thinking of the trial; I’m thinking…..
CA: (Expletive) A trial?!
JB: (Expletive) Yeah, baby! This is gonna be big! I’m gonna make you a star. The story will be headlines all over the country. Hell! I’ll get this story out across the world. Think of it – such drama: Cute young mom chained by…. Uh. Shoot. This is an angle we need to cover: Who chained you?
CA: My folks.
JA: Perfect! Abusive parents chain daughter so she can’t rescue her child who got away! Hm. Are your parents chained, too?
CA: Yeah. In the brain. They got a chained brain.
JB: Good. They’ll make the perfect pawn for you.
JB: Major cool.
CA: Whoa. But I told the cops my nanny took her. I didnt’ tell them about my chains. The detectives never even asked me about my chains, that’s how dumb they are.
JB: (writing notes) Oh. Well kill off that Nanny story. It was weak anyway.
CA: Hey, you’re about to run outta room to write on your arm.
JB: That’s okay, legs haven’t been used yet..
JB: Okay. We need to settle on my opening statement. (Pacing and thinking) I’ll practice it and you tell me if it works, Kapish?
JB: Okay. “Ladies and Gentlemen. I am a Hispanic lawyer. I am proud to be Hispanic. We are good people, and we …”
CA: Wait a minute?!!
JB: Too much of a Hispanic angle? Okay. Here goes. “Hola, seniors and seniorita’s, me name’ es Jose Baez.”
CA: You speaking Spanish to them? You can’t do that.
JB: No? Okay. “Ladies and Gentleman of the Ladies. I am Hispanic, as you can tell by how handsome I am. Only someone as handsome as I could have a client as gorgeous as Ms. Anthony. Look at her. She’s hot, isn’t she? I am a lucky man to be representing her. Now, Ladies and Gentleman of the Ladies of the Jury, you will find my client innocent. You know why? You know why? Huh? Huh?”
CA: Can they talk back to you?
JB: That would be cool. I think if they like me, they will. Okay, back to my speech. “Okay, I’ll tell you why: My hot client is not innocent because she was…”
CA: IS! You mean “IS innocent.” I’m beginning to think you’re a clown.
JB: Okay. I got it now. “My hot client is innocent because when her daughter ran away, my client was in chains and could not go after her! But, more importantly, good jury, I will show you that the persons responsible for this – although they did not have chains around their feet like my poor client – they had chained brains! I submit to you, I will PROVE w/out a shadow of a doubt how the chained brains should have protected that child but they didn’t do it! Why? Tragically, they were born with brains so chained. You will find the chained brained ones GUILTY!”
JB: See! It will only take me ONE MINUTE to prove you are INNOCENT!
JB: (Jumping with joy) Cool beans!!
CA: (rattling her chains) Cool rice and beans!!!
JB: Cool Cuban rice and beans!!!
CA: You Cuban?
CA: Awesome!!! That is so totally off the wall awesome, man! O.M. G. this is so great. My mom is gonna hate you!
(Baez and Casey high-five)