Some nights I can’t think of anything I want to talk about. Well, that’s not entirely true, there are nights that I just want to bemoan about how tired I am after working a full day teaching. Teaching kids would be so much easier. I teach adults which is more difficult; especially when adults act like children. That’s when it gets really problematic. I teach a new hire class of new employees at the university. It’s a two-week intensive training that wipes me out. I wrote all the training I teach, and I conduct the training, too. Usually one person creates the training and another person delivers it. I prefer to create the curriculum and not train it.
I have been a one-person training department for nearly five years; now I have a boss to split the work with, and that’s nice! But, it’s going to take her another year to get up to speed on the curriculum, so the training is all on my shoulders, still. My boss helps, though. She puts all the participant guides together for me – and that’s a crummy job. She also assigns which project I need to develop next, and does all the preliminary setting up for me.
She’s like my agent setting up “gigs” for me. I hope that pretty soon the work will even out and I won’t have to be in the classroom as much going forward. It’s exhausting to orchestrate the learning activities of a whole classroom of adults for seven hours a day. The funny thing is, when I’m in the classroom and working with my students, I love it. I completely enjoy seeing people learn. I enjoy the fun we have in the classroom, too. Fun, you may wonder? Yes. Adult learners need to enjoy the experience of learning and it is my job to make them laugh and enjoy themselves because it enables their learning.
So, I enjoy the moment to moment interactions with the participants, and they respond well to me, which is really helpful. What I have trouble with is waking up in the morning and starting the day. I would rather be doing so many other things. I’d rather be writing. I need to start listening more to what I want to do, I’ve realized now. My passion does not involve being in the classroom. My “work” passion involves writing training programs; it’s fun and creative, but it’s also not what I really want to do with my life, for the rest of my life.
I want to write stories, a book, and try play-writing, and photography, too. But it would mean quitting my job, most likely.
I want to read more. I have so many books lined up to read. I’m reading Wendy and the Lost Boys, by Julie Salamon, right now. It’s wonderful and I’d like to be reading right now, but there is this blog to write.
Will the earth open up and swallow me if I don’t write my blog post every night? No. It’s become a habit now. But a good and nice habit – usually.
I get hooked on things, and I’m hooked on blogging. I used to be hooked on smoking – about ten years ago. I’d come home from work, sit in my comfortable chair and smoke and read and drink soda until midnight. For a while it was difficult to read because I really wanted a cigarette to go with my book.
I am really conflicted right now. I am overcome with “shoulds.”
I should find another job (I like my boss, but the office environment I work in is toxic). I find it sad how unhappy the employees are who work in the office, and yet, at least 25 percent of the employees have worked there over 10 years. Why would you work in a place for so long and be miserable?
I don’t want to live in a state of long-term misery, that would be an awful way to live.
People think it’s prestigious to work for a university, and I suppose it is. And, it’s wonderful to be a part of the excitement that goes on at a university. On that level, it’s really great.
So, I’m torn. I could continue to work at the university, get a Ph.D., and be well-educated but would that make me happy? A Ph.D in my pocket would allow me to teach at a university level, but I don’t want to do that, so I guess the Ph.D., wouldn’t be the best thing for me. Well, I could do research articles and publish with a Ph.D., and I like research writing a lot, but I like creative writing more.
I love the law. At least three times a week I think about throwing everything to the wind and try to get into law school. But, then I come to my senses.
My real passion has always been the theatre and writing. I am a pretty good actor, but I wasn’t sure if I could write. The last couple of years, especially since beginning this blog, has helped me realize I can write, but need so much more practice.
I think I’ve figured out what I need to do. Well, I know what I need to do, but do I have the courage to do it? That’s the sticking point. (The bottom line is, I am full of too many doubts; and my ego needs a kick in the pants.)
Should I throw caution to the wind and follow my dreams? How will I pay the bills?
Maybe I am where I should be right now and I shouldn’t try to ruin a good thing. And here’s the rub: If I did quit my job and go out on my own, would I have the same kind of regrets as when I left the theatre?
I tell people I had a great career as an actor – and it’s true, I loved every minute of the work. But, I do have regrets. I do. The regret is that I didn’t stick with the theatre longer. If I’d just given it five more years, moved to NYC, things may have been different. My friends were making it, the only reason I couldn’t? Self doubt. I took the safe way out, quit while I was ahead and got the things that many theatre people don’t have: A nice car and a mortgage.
But, did I leave the theatre so I could have a nice car and a mortgage? Yes, I did. And I left the theatre because I was tired of working as a waitress after a show ended and before the next one began. The time in between theatre jobs could sometimes be months. And I couldn’t stand waiting tables. I really despised the work with every ounce of my being. I still have nightmares about being forced to wait on tables again.
So now I’m asking myself, what the hell am I doing and where the hell am I going??
The only answer I really have right now is I need to get off this computer and sit down with my book and relax.
I’ll figure out my future tomorrow – perhaps.