Hey Internet. Jazz here. Remember me?
I’m still here even though she took my picture away! I’m still here.
You remember me now?
My face used to be all over the place in here. Remember that handsome picture of me?
She replaced me with a dead butterfly.
Heck if I know why.
Those butterflies were real once, I guess.
My picture is better than a dead butterfly, okay?
It gets me sad. I can’t explain it. I’m not really a good explain-er of things. I’m a dog, after all. (By the way, this is new to me, so don’t expect me to wax-poetic here, okay?)
So I’m here instead of her – the lover-of-dead-butterflies-better-than-me.
I’m here because she just kicked me off her lap.
She said, “Jazzy, I need my lap to read the paper,” and told me to get down.
I wish I could make decisions around here for once in my life! I was comfortable, too.
Well, the plain truth is: I hate it when she sits there crinkling the paper. She says, “I’m reading the paper, Jazz.” Oh? Well, “Ruff-ruff, I don’t care,” I say. But I do care.
All she’s doing is crinkle crinkle crinkling that paper and it’s LOUD, and it drives me up the wall!
Don’t get me wrong, she is the best human any dog could want. Lots of other dogs in my neighborhood dig her – and I hate that! I hate when she’s cool with the other dogs, it really kills me! It’s like a knife in my heart.
I can’t help my jealousy, I was born that way. People don’t understand me because my tail won’t stop wagging even when I want it to.
She knows how jealous I am and she gets mad. Sometimes she even raises her voice at me and I really hate that. She doesn’t get it – she’s mine – she’s only mine.
She lets any human sit on my couch. They move my things around. They play with my pillows.
The worst is when some human is so big they can’t feel when they’re sitting right on top of my toy. I go out of my mind when they do that and they always do.
When they get in my face because I’m acting nutty, it really makes me crazy. Sweat comes pouring out of my mouth and my tongue hangs on the left of my mouth and it looks stupid and I scratch at the humans legs and at the couch and all they do is yell at me!
But, it’s MY TOY THEY ARE SITTING ON!
They don’t care that it’s MY TOY!
Well, I don’t care that my long nails scratch their pale skin!
I scratch like crazy but then I keep getting yelled at and I really hate that, but it sure doesn’t stop me until she gets involved and all of a sudden I’m where I really want to be – in her arms.
Home is when I’m in her arms.
I’m in one of her arms actually. I am really balancing on her shoulder. (I rest my feet on an elastic thing that’s across her body and under her shirt – she calls it an over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder thing.)
So, I can balance real good ’cause my legs and chin hang over her shoulder and it’s the best. I works perfect UNTIL she moves to talk to another human. I go crazy when she does that with me on her shoulder!
I can’t even stand it when she’s looking at another human! I hate it. Can’t help it. I hate it. I do.
Jealousy is my only flaw (except for the five times I pooped in her bathroom and once on her bed). I really had to go, okay? I told you I have only two flaws! That aint’ too bad for a dog, right?
Why am I getting defensive?
I’m sorry, okay?
That’s not like me. I’m a pretty happy kid, usually.
If you wanna know the truth, I’m itchy ’cause I didn’t sleep good last night. It’s her fault.
We went to sleep real late because she had her tablet that glows that she reads from. She reads in the bed with that thing when all I want to do is sleep.
That’s about the extent of what she does anyway. She sits on the couch, sits at the computer. Sits on the couch; sits at the computer. Sits on the couch; sits at the compu…. Well, you get the picture?
Sometimes she takes me out. Me and her and her mom (my Grammy), we take my bed and other stuff and we go in my car. I like to be in the back, in my bed where I can see her. When she stops she looks back at me and says sweet things and it feels so good and makes me and my tail so happy.
We ride in my car to a house where there are three other humans – one who is small and blond. There are two dogs there and I tolerate them. There’s a bird and two fish. And they got some grass, too! Man, that back-yard is long and wide! There’s nothing like that yard! There are a lot of stories to smell in that grass – all kinds of stories to smell. I’ll tell you some of the stories I’ve smelled there when I get a chance to sneak back to her computer.
You know…. She goes out a lot without me. I like to go with her. I used to cry when she left me alone. I’m okay now about it. I deal with it now, you know? Now I just sleep and dream until she comes back.
Dreams are awesome, too! Dreams are cool – when they’re good dreams.
When they’re not good it’s not like dreamin’ at all. It’s nightmarin’.
Uh-oh, I really gotta go! She’s coming!!!! See ya!