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December 25, 2011

8

and so this is christmas ….. and so this is chanukah….

by Andrea O'Connell

And this day, like so many other December 25’s in Florida, is HOT!

Merry Christmas to those who observe it, and best wishes for a happy 6th (I think) day of Chanukah, too.

It’s a very quiet morning.  Relaxing.  Nice.

Well, Jazz is having a bad morning.  My brother’s dog, the gigantic puppy, Buster, as usual, relentlessly pursues Jazz, egging him on with a push of his paw and a little nip on the rear end.  When that doesn’t move Jazz, Buster jumps in the air in a “U” shape – his four legs straight up from the ground – go up and over Jazz, only to land and have his legs nipped at by Jazz’s jaws…. snapping, snapping, snapping…  Buster is too fast and Jazz’s snapping isn’t precisely aimed but sometimes he manages to get a hold of some part of Buster’s skin.  Jazz’s snapping jaws, though they aim at Buster in rapid-fire snaps like a machine gun gone ballistic, don’t do any harm to him though.

It’s hilarious to see them.  I can’t decide if Jazz is playing or if he’s petrified because his tail wags but his eyes roll back in his head and his lips stay permanently in place, over his gums.  Buster is absolutely playing, that’s clear…. The verdict is still out on Jazz’s level of enjoyment.

This morning the grass was dewy and Jazz refused to step out on the big-grass-john in the backyard. So I picked him up and walked him out further in the grass, getting my fuzzy slippers nice and wet – I put him down on the grass, but he immediately tip-toed away, gingerly in the grass like a ballet dancer with a broken toe, back to the patio and dry ground.  He tiptoed, broken-toed style, through the screen door and to the pool area where he proceeded to do you know what right by the pool.

The morning is quiet. Mom and my brother are reading the paper – the New York Times.  And a John Wayne movie is on the TV, in the background.

Last night we watched the Oldie Goldie movie “Margie.”  It was shot in 1946, and shows a grown-up Margie reminiscing about her high school years in the 1920’s, to her teen-aged daughter.

The setting was 1928 and a young Margie, a senior in high school, keeps losing her “bloomers” to great dramatic effect.  Seriously, the elastic in her bloomers broke three times in the movie!  It wasn’t really a theme – ha! Or any sub-plot, per se, but each loss of one of her errant bloomers did push the plot ahead.  One especially “dramatic” bloomer loosening happened on the ice-skating rink.  To cover the embarrassment of losing her bloomers, Margie feigns fainting.

Oh Fiddlesticks! was Margie’s refrain when things were confusing or got out of hand –  or when one’s bloomers were unruly.

Of course today it would be, “Oh, isn’t this a farting-fuck!  Shit, I lost my thong,” purposely  getting as many swear words into the sentence as possible then publicly pronouncing and publishing the event all over Facebook.  Whereas Margie, humiliated, horrified, is overcome with tears at her bloomer bust.

Anyway, the movie was very sweet.  Haddie McDaniel played the housekeeper.  Jeanne Crain, was Margie. Haddie McDaniel, you may remember, won the Academy Award for her performance as “Mammy” in Gone with the Wind.

I’m not sure what is in store for the rest of the day.  I know the dog-park is on our agenda and my brother is cooking us a nice lunch….kind of scary, to be honest.  He’ll probably need an editor.  Well mom is here – thankfully, I’m hardly a cook and proud of it!

Anyway, that’s a piece of my 2011 Christmas.  I’d like to share the funniest story, written by my niece, about her plane trip from New York to Tallahassee.  It’s so damn funny – brilliant humor, and I am not being prejudiced, you’ll see:

Meaghan O’Connell:

So I’m on this flight from NYC to Charlotte today, it’s super-delayed on the tarmac and I’m sitting next to two people about my age who did not know each other but talked so loud that I shared that ugh i know ARE THEY EVEN HUMAN? look about them with two separate people. I would give some examples of their conversation but it would be too painful for me to revisit. Okay wait I can’t help but remember: the girl kept joking about us being in the exit row and DYING and when there was turbulence she was like, “Am I going to have to pull this lever?” (to open the door!) and I had just read that fucking, fucking article about the french guys crashing the plane in the Atlantic and it was all I could think about (this plane crashing) meanwhile this unstable woman with a extra large coolatta was making jokes about pulling open the goddamn emergency exit.

Anyway so halfway through I really have to pee and I’m telling myself stuff like, “Okay, as soon as you finish this chapter, you can pee.” (along with musing about how I’d react if I found out the plane was going down) Then I realized I could pee when I wanted because I am an adult human so I put my book away and started sheepishly assessing the situation. See, the seatbelt light was on but I always forget if that means Don’t move around or, Fine move around but if you’re sitting down, put on your seatbelt. I figured it was the latter because that’s what I wanted so I found a way to justify it. Then I looked right and left. No one was up and about to reassure me I wouldn’t get “in trouble.” I craned my neck to see what the fight attendi were doing. They buckled in in the back, but I decided to LIVE ON THE EDGE and then to go to the bathroom in the front since it was closer and there was some turbulence but fuck it right? I’m an adult.

So I got up half-expecting to get yelled at (as always) but creeped on forward in my newish boots and then stopped and stood frozen under the glowing green bathroom sign when I couldn’t find the fucking door to push in and crawl inside. Ahhh. I felt the eyes of every human on the plane on me while I squinted into dark corners and wondered if I was about to walk into the cockpit . but was like whatever guys, I can do this. Then a flight attendant from the back GRABS THE MIC and says in a fluster, JUST A REMINDER THAT THE FIRST CLASS LAVATORIES ARE RESERVED FOR FIRST CLASS PASSENGERS ONLY.

Cut to me wandering around first class like a lost puppy. This lady is basically telling me, from the back of the plane, over the loudspeaker to get the fuck out of the first class section. WHAT? So I SPIN around on my heels (rather amazingly I might add) to face THE ENTIRE PLANE, shrug dramatically and say SORRY EVERYONE! in the most teenage, sarcastic tone of voice. I don’t even know where this audacity came from. But I saw this sea of faces staring at me and rolling their eyes at the situation and laughing with me and literally like, making little comments of solidarity as I walked past. Like I just committed this brave act, crossing enemy lines to pee into a little toilet vacuum. I mean people were truly making eye contact and saying like, “Come ON!” and, “Oh like they are all just LINED UP up there waiting to get into the bathroom!” And I just nodded and shrugged and wanted to like, high five everyone as I cruised by, but instead made some kind of bad kid in the back of the class type of dramatic exhalations then sauntered, victoriously, all the way to the back of the godforsaken plane, where the flight attendants would not look at me, and peed in my proletariat toilet (proletoilet).

Anyway there was total class warfare going on in the sky somewhere over, I dunno, Virginia, today and it was amazing.

Link to above:  http://meaghano.com/post/14595368874/impt

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8 Comments Post a comment
  1. Dec 25 2011

    Proletoilet! Hilarious! My first laugh of the day. Thank you.

    Reply
    • Dec 27 2011

      Hey Kathy, Merry Happy Holidays! I know!!! That killed me, too! So, you’re welcome! 🙂

      Reply
  2. Dec 25 2011

    Haha! Love your niece’s story!!! Merry Christmas!

    Reply
    • Dec 27 2011

      Hey Kitt … LOL! I’m glad you liked it as much as I did! Merry merry to you too. 🙂

      Reply
  3. Dec 25 2011

    Blessings at Christmas, and all year, Andrea.

    Reply
  4. CptKD
    Dec 26 2011

    LOVE IT! Glad I stopped in when I did! Thank you for sharing. . . And with that, I wish you and yours, a belated but very happy Christmas, and all the best for the coming year! Cheers, chuckles and hugs, Andrea! Will try to come around a bit more in the new year. I been missing ya! Take care, k! CptKD x o x o

    Reply
    • Dec 27 2011

      Hey Hey Hey! So good to hear from you, and on Boxing Day, too! Hope you had a merry merry and hope you’re feeling fit as a fiddle, too! I sure hope you come around more my dear, I have missed you, you know! Big hugs back at ya!

      Reply

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