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Posts tagged ‘Euthanasia’


an empty space

Lilly at age 15 or 16
Lilly at age 15 or 16

It’s been a very long week. 

Lilly, my 19-year-old cat, is out of pain now. 
I couldn’t do it.  My heart was already too pained; I couldn’t manage it.  My kind-hearted step-father, Bill, did it for me – took Lilly to be euthanized at the vet this past Thursday morning. 10:30 a.m was the appointment.  
I wanted to be the one to take her but knew I couldn’t. Even though I know the decision to put her to sleep was the most loving thing for her (her quality of life was negligent at this point), I was not, am not, strong enough to see it through.     
Bill said he cried during and after.  He knew Lilly for 19 years, too.  He loved her as I did. 
At 19 she was growing feeble; cried constantly from pain and yet, when I so much as looked at her – even for a moment – she purred her vigorous purr.  I’ve never known a cat with such a loud purr.  
That purr often was my alarm clock in the morning.  Even though her coarse and wet tongue licked my closed eyelids, it was the purr that would wake me.  She even purred in her sleep, and would wake her self up, too.  It was funny to see that.   Kind of like how some of us wake ourselves up snoring; well, she’d wake up with a start, dazed.  Then, she’d curl back up into a tighter ball and drift off quickly again right after. 
She looked equal parts salt and pepper with that gorgeous long coat that was so much work.  Her personality was equal parts sugar and spice.  Old age didn’t damper her sweetness, though at age 19, she grew more shrill.
It’s the empty space she left that is difficult to deal with.  I remind myself that she is happier, and at rest.  It’s just the empty space that breaks my broken heart now.

My 18 year old cat, Lilly…(aptly named after Lillian Hellman)



I have to do it.  Lillian Hellman, my girl “Lilly” is the last of this kitty-pack…. she’s is the final one.  There was Tallulah Bankhead (Lulu), and Dashiel Hammitt (Dash)….they’re gone, too.  Poor Lilly, but poorer me as I don’t have the heart to let her go, though I know the best thing I can do for her is to let her go… to drift off peacefully and end her pain.   

She is in pain – it came on all of a sudden.  She’s always had a loud meow… but now, well, she cries so loudly the neighbors look sideways at me when I see them.  They hear her, too.  And they seem to understand, but they don’t really. If you have had a cat for eighteen years, you’d understand, too, I think.   

It has been eighteen years.  Tallulah lasted over twenty years, maybe because she was more a dog than an ordinary cat.  She was the smartest cat I’d ever met.  Tallulah opened doors, drawers, found ways to climb and snuggle in blankets even though they were tucked away on the highest shelf in a back closet. 

Lilly, though beautiful, is not so smart… she’s feisty and oh so sassy, just like Lillian Hellman seemed to be … But Lilly?  Just always has been missing a beat… a teeny bit off kilter she’s always been.  She could be in a box with just her kitty litter, nothing else around, and she’d still miss the mark!   Yup, Lilly has never been too smart. 

But, she’s very, very sweet.  Too sweet to let her continue on in pain. 

This is very hard.  Looking for the gratitude in this….

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